What truly fascinated me were the photographs. On beaches, in woods, at resorts and campgrounds, people of all shapes and sizes relaxed naked and smiled confidently back at the camera. And I mean ALL shapes and sizes. It was such a revelation to me. People were not all gorgeous, slim and toned. People were not all the bikini models that had haunted me my whole life with their seemingly unattainable and unsustainable perfect physiques. Their nudity not only made them seem more real than the ideals that advertising pushed, they actually looked more confident, happy and accepting. For the first time in a long while that night I stripped naked and looked at myself in a full length mirror. I had the sudden revelation that I was OK! Just another perfectly acceptable shape on the human spectrum. I had an overwhelming desire to join these nudists, to be accepted in my own skin. I woke up the next day, and chickened out. And kept chickening out for months. I found out where the local nude. It was difficult at first but the more I looked at her the more I watched as her eyes begin to tear up. “Because you wanted me to be your first?” I scratched my head and realized that me losing my virginity wasn’t a big deal to me. The thing that I realized at the moment when I did have sex was that I had fallen in love with Amanda. I just didn’t recognize it until now. I wanted to beat the crap out of myself for letting the realization take me so long to figure it out. I scoffed for a second and finally said, “Something like that.” And began walking towards school again. Now I had more questions I needed answers. Mainly the answers I needed was from myself. Some I needed from Amanda but figured to take it one step at a time. The first question I needed an answer from Amanda was if we could ever be more than friends and actually start dating. I put my hand in my pocket and felt my note for Amanda. Somehow the note seemed to comfort me mainly because that question was inside it. I.
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